Until Death Due Us Part...or Until the Next Hott Boy Comes Along, At Least...

There has been an alarming lack of comments lately; I am sensing a consistent pattern. Whenever an entry is angst-ridden, depressing or slightly controversial I hear from you. The more cheerful and review-driven ones do not elicit a strong reaction…or rather any reaction. An obvious observation – I wonder what it says about humanity?

I suppose drawing major conclusions on mankind based upon the blog comments I receive is digging deep, but dare I say, we as people are drawn to drama? We like conflict. We respond to it.

And since I so desperately want to hear from you all, today’s entry is topical and opinionated. The subject: gay marriage. For those of you not intimately familiar with my inner-workings and turbulence, my opinion on the subject may surprise you.

To ask me whether I support marriage equality is to ask a complex question with no simple answer.

This past Sunday Broadway stars combined efforts to support gay marriage at a rally in Times Square. Despite the urgings of a few friends, I chose not to attend. Partly, because I had dinner plans with another friend. Partly, because I do not like standing among large noisy crowds. And also partly due to the fact that I am not huge proponent for marriage equality.

To say that any minority group must be denied a fundamental human right is outrageous. To believe that women or blacks or Hispanics should not be allowed to vote, should have their voices silenced, is ludicrous. No singular group of people should be discriminated against.

In this sense, of course, I theoretically support marriage equality. Were it a biracial couple being denied the right, I would not hesitate to show strong signs of support. But as is so often the case, the world as it should be, is different from the world as it is. My opinions are no different. I can admit on a theoretical level that gay marriage is fundamentally right; however, at the end of the day, as a “homo” strutting the streets of the Big Apple, something about marriage between two men does not sit well with me.

Do I believe homosexuality is wrong? A sin? No, of course not – although, for reasons galore, I will probably see many of you in Hell! There is nothing unnatural about who I am or the way I feel. Would I like to get married someday? Yes, I think I might.

So, where does the hesitation stem from?

As I much as I feel that no minority should be denied certain inalienable rights, I also believe that many legal rights should be earned; there are very few things humans are simple entitled to. I’m not sure I believe marriage is one of those things.

I do not believe the gay community, as a general whole, has earned the right to marriage. The community has not demonstrated an ability to be monogamous and faithful – two things that are necessary for successful marriage. When a couple takes vows, they are making a commitment to one another. That commitment is not: “In sickness and in health, in threesomes and in orgies.”

Here’s the thing – I do not know any long-term, monogamous gay male couples. Not one. I do know many couples with “house boys,” that engage in threesomes and sex parties, and go through relationships every two years or so. Couples who believe anything outside their own bedroom is fair game, and what happens in Ogunquit stays in Ogunquit. To say you love your partner in this situation is fucking laughable.

In the time, I have been “out-of-the-closet,” I have found the gay culture to be overtly sexual, shallow and just plain cruel. The process of coming out is overwhelmingly frightening. The anticipation of friends’ and family members’ reactions is terrifying. We do live in a world where homosexuality is not universally embraced.

Which is why I am completely baffled by the way gays treat other gays. We are horrible to one other – the number of insults and names I have endured from those I most need respect from outnumbers any taunting I experienced in school.

Before I came out, I had a fairly high opinion of myself. Since the first experience, my self-esteem has taken hit after hit after hit. Happiness and confidence come from within, they say – to a certain extent, that is true. But how many times can one be rejected by those he makes himself most vulnerable to without their being some permanent emotional scarring? The insults, rejections and lies are decimating my sense of self-worth.

I do not think myself attractive, worthwhile, “cool” or dateable anymore – and I’m sorry, but these feelings result from the goddamn pricks I’ve met that consistently treat me like shit. I went to therapy in college to discuss my issues (coincidentally with a ridiculously cute, intelligent gay therapist). I’ve made some progress with my issues, but relating back to the point…why should a community noted for its sexual promiscuity, cruel behavior and inability to sustain long meaningful relationships have the right to get married? So that they may raise the incidence of infidelity and divorce?

If a straight man cheats – say Elliot Spitzer or John Edwards – he’s vile, disgusting, an asshole crucified by his peers. If a gay man cheats, well, hey it’s just another normal day in the Gay Ghetto (my Richard coined that brilliant phrase). For proof of this, look no further than my own experiences.

During my time in Ogunquit, there were several individuals who laughed at my belief in monogamous relationships. I was once told, with more than a hint of sarcasm, “Good luck.” There were even individuals who on more than one occasion reduced me to tears with insults and unkind words.

“Why?” I asked.

“To prepare and toughen you up for the gay world, kid.”

No joke.

In my life, I have met one gay male who proved himself to be genuine; not a prick. I am nearly positive he reads this as he’s left comments before. I do recognize him to be the hopeful exception to the rule. And I myself have never cheated, nor could I ever allow myself to form a relationship in such a sick environment, but I need more than one person to look to as a symbol of hope for the future.

In order to support marriage equality, I need to see that it is a real possibility for two men to commit to each other. I have never seen that, and until I do, I won’t be at the next rally waving my rainbow flag. Until the insults and cruel forms of rejection end, I will never quite feel comfortable in the gay world.

Okay, so finally leave me some comments!!! And I want to leave you on a much lighter note, please watch the Sherlock Holmes preview below – I cannot wait for this movie!!! Until we meet again, om, chanti, chanti, chanti, namaste.