Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Quarter of a Century

July arrives tomorrow – we’re finally in the midst of summer, and the rain has ceased!

July also marks the end of another year for me – and this year may be more than I can handle…25!!!

Twenty-five is an age you visualize when you are younger. Where you will be…what kind of car you will drive…what kind of career you will have; because, of course, as a child you positively know that by 25, you won’t just have a job, you’ll have a career…

If only an older version of myself could have let me know the truth…25 is NOT what you think it will be.

Money will be tight…you will still not know what you want to be when you grow up…and you will decidedly NOT feel like a mature adult.

UGH!!! Twenty-five years is OLD!

Twenty-four has certainly been a year of personal growth. I’ve got one year of my first “real” job under my belt. One year in New York City is complete. There have been countless of brilliant and not-so brilliant shows. Many celebrity sightings. And even managed a few dates along the way.

Here’s to hoping that 25 continues towards life satisfaction and all it brings.

Last marked a turning point for me. Sunday was New York City’s Gay Pride Day – so we all know how stressed about that I was.

Apparently, more of you read my blog than I was aware of, and had rather strong reactions to my recent postings. I spent the majority of last week debating and fighting with MANY others about my opinions. It was exhausting – having the same argument, seven or so times with as many individuals in the course of two days.

Finally, I reached the point where I understood that my opinions on gay culture and marriage stem from my feelings of insecurity and self-dislike. I do not know where these feelings have come from: lots of rejection perhaps, a few unsupportive friends, homophobia in main stream culture…

I allowed my insecurities to form a judgment on an entire population. In retrospect, it seems so silly. I’ve come to recognize there are friends in my life – albeit just a few – who are unconsciously homophobic. I allowed their thoughts and comments to cloud my own self-image. I need to distance myself from those comments and truly feel proud of who I am.

I did not attend the parade on Sunday, but I did walk around the West Village in the afternoon and later had drinks in the area with a truly supportive friend. I observed the boys running around – boys AND GIRLS, I should say, from all walks of life – celebrating themselves.

Yes, I felt unsurprisingly anxious, but also a bit proud – both of myself and those around me. I am no different from rest the community. I am not uglier or dumber. I am not some sort of gay leper, and do deserve all that I have felt I have been denied.

The shift in attitude was not much, but still a step in the right direction. I can only hope the confidence will continue to build and affect greater change to the rest of my life.

Till next time, om, chanti, chanti, chanti, namaste.

1 comment:

  1. "I am not some sort of gay leper, and do deserve all that I have felt I have been denied."

    YES. Glad you had a good time.

    -Greg

    ReplyDelete